Part Two: The Cyborg
“We Can rebuild Him”
“We have the technology”
The Six Million Dollar Man Intro
A few weeks before we had the final death throes of 777 Partners, Everton supporters were “treated” to another one of those “lets teach the little kids a lesson” statements from the Director of Football (DoF), “sand pillar Kevin Thelwell“. Or in his new dguise Kevin “sand pillar Oscar Goldman.” Thelwell. (Kev has the technology!). The statement was in his usual condescending “I need to spell out the obvious to the proles” language. Those beneath me can’tunderstand how hard it is to turn this “big old ship around,” as Kev likes to say. “Well not the titanic your steering Kev.” As if supporters can’t grasp the higher planes of Thewell thought. Or in plain language, “the bloody obvious.”
bagfulloftoffees737918539.wordpress.com/2024/05/13/sand-pillars-in-the-wind/
https://www.evertonfc.com/news/4001845/thelwell-on-summer-plans-team-progress
In his update the DoF said, shock, horror,
“That does mean players will be sold, and also that every tool at our disposal will be used to secure new additions to the squad, including utilisation of the loan market.”
Nothing the great unwashed did not know Kev. Not actually earth shattering news!
So what are we to make of the claims made on BBC Total Sport Merseyside on 29th May that there won’t be a “fire sale” and the blues “won’t be bullied into sales.” Maybe there are some who “can’t see the obvious” after all,” who knows?
Everton Football Club does not have to be bullied,. Why? Because the toffees will have to sell one of its very few good /saleable players, simple as. A player will be gone before the 30 June deadline to make sure the blues meet that pesky Profit snd Sustainability rule, which they have been so good at meeting under the ownership of the poisonous golden frog Moshiri.! The vultures will be circling Goodison for the few gems it has left, no matter what the radio show and the club might like to spin. I mean the blues own DoF has said as much in his staement. It will be “au revoir” probably to Onana and maybe Branthwaite aswell. Lets hope its only one.
That train has gone
Oh yes that train has gone
I believe that train has gone
That’s the train my baby was on
Chuck Willis: That Train Gone
The Dyche Thelwell Speak Liverpool Echo claimed there is no cash flow crisis at the club.
I believe this to be the case at the moment. Tthe club has merit payments for finishing 15th in the league and season ticket sales money coming in. The first chunk of Sky money for next season is probably imminent. That’s why in the club statement after the collapse of the 777 Partners fiasco, the club could say:
“The Club will continue to operate as usual, while it works with Blue Heaven Holdings to assess all options for the Club’s future ownership.”
What happens when this window of respite runs out. If the ownership of the toffees is not sorted out, tthe cash flow problem may well reappear on the royal blue skyline once again, sooner rather than later. Hope may be on the horizon concerning the ownership. But with the golden frog making any decision on any new owners, it really is “hold your breath time.”. Who knows what Moshiri will do, or what goes through the very miniscule brain of his. He just wants the best deal for himself and to hell with the club, even if some think otherwise. See: bagfulloftoffees737918539.wordpress.com/2024/06/07/the-amphibian-the-cyborg-and-the-aliens-part-one/
It is not so much the player sales, which sadly seem inevitable. It is something else which I consider much more serious than the sale of one of the clubs very, very. few gems.. What is that you masy ask? Well, it is what the out of his depth DoF and the one dimensional self-proclaimed messiah are doing / will do, on player incomings. This is the real worry. Offering a new contract to Ashley Young, good business? Really “Ashley please hang up your boots instead mate.” But we get the podcast world and obviously the Dyche / Thelwell Echo defending such a crazy contract offer.
Meanwhile over at Thorpe Arch,
It comes time to disembark and walk apart for miles
But I miss you my friend
Out in the great unknown
Will I see you in the end
We’re not lost
We’re not lost
We’re not lost
We’re not lost
We just don’t know where to go
The Show Ponies: We’re Not Lost
The three entered the room with gloomy faces. They sat down in the chairs provided, facing the desk which the man with DF printed on his shirt sat behind. DF looked up at all three and proceeded to open a dossier which lay in front of him.
“I have read the psychologists report” he said.
“It truly is astonishing. Is this it Jack. Is this all you can remember. Wilfried, you don’t seem to add much to this strange affair. But I have to say it is all slightly unbelievable. All a bit Holywoodesque. A bit Close Encounters of the whatever it was.”
“Can I have a glass of water please” asked the one called Jack.
“Over there” said DF pointing to a pile of water bottles in the corner of the room.
The one called Jack slowly went and got himself a bottle of water, returned to his seat took a long swig and began to speak.
“It is like I told the psychologist, the PSR agents, that guy called Nick Pope and those two odd ball but very attractive women who keep showing up on a scoter with headphones and some strange alien meter reading gadget. For God’s sake I have even had two men claiming to be from the American CIA questioning me!
The one called Jack took another sip of his water and continued.
“It all began when me and Willy started having the same strange dream about a messiah and sand pillars. I was giving Willy a lift home after training. We were discussing our strange dream phenomena during the journey, and why there was no traffic on the road except for us. Suddenly we found ourselves in deepest darkest Bromley of all places! Again we were in the only vehical on the road. No other traffic. That shook us, it really was odd. One minute we are driving on the outskirts of Leeds and next second the back end of London. Before we could get our heads around how we had got into this predicament, the car cut out. It just stopped. Try as we did to restart the car, it was futile. It was stone dead. Nothing was working, not the radio, not the sat nav, not the lights, nothing. It was as if it had just suddenly died. For a moment we sat there bemused, when a light started to shine down from the sky, covering the the whole area. A blinding ginger light. We both got out of the car and looked up to where a strange sort of ship in the shape of a train with love train written along its side hovered above, emitting the ginger light. Not knowing what to do, and feeling shit scared, we just ran. Willy being much faster than me luckly escaped. I was covered in the ginger glow and felt myself floating up into the air. Being pulled up higher and higher towards the train shaped ship. Next, I remember I was in a ginger lit room, and that is it. Nothing more. I can’t remember a god damned thing after that until I was found wandering disoriented around Thorp Arch training ground.
“But it has been nine months Jack. You were missing for nine months. Are you sure that is all you can remember” asked DF.
“”Sorry what more can I tell you. That is all I can remember. The rest is just a blank. Believe me I want to remember. It is getting me down. I am pulling my hair out with it all. I might have to give Cenk or Davy Klaassen a call!”
“What made you think of those two names” asked DF.
“Search me. I just have a feeling I have been in a place where those two new thatched ones use to inhabit.”
DF stared at the trio for what seemed like an eternity. He turned a couple of pages of the dossier and said,
“Now Jack, you and Wilfried claim that the dream has started again.
“That is true” Wilfried and Jack replied in unison.
DF sat behind his desk with a frown on his face and slowly turned his attention to the third person who had been sat in silence staring at the floor.
“Kalvin you say you are now having the same dream.”
The one called Kalvin looked up and nodded.
“Even worse, my dream has me in a ginger lit room lying on some sort of operating table, where a voice says we can rebuild him, we have the bleep test technology.”
DF closed the dossier and sat facing all three with an incredulous look on his face.
“As unbelivable as much of this seems, it sure has been eerie round here of late. A strange sort of heavy electricty seems to permeate the air all around the training ground. You feel it now, here in this room. The same feeling was here just before you went missing for nine months Jack. What does it all mean? I don’t know. Can I believe any of this? I’m not sure, but I am filled with foreboding. It is evident that something is just not right. We need to take precautions to make sure whatever stange phenomena is taking place, you three are”
Clouds so swift
Rain won’t lift
Gate won’t close
Railings froze
Get your mind off wintertime
You ain’t goin’ nowhere
Nashville Jam: You Ain’t going Nowhere
“I’m holding you to that promise DF.”
Yes, the Sand Pillar Oscar Goldman and Mr one dimensional Dyche are reported to want to bring back the very average Jack Harrison from Leeds United on another loan deal. Added to Mr. Harrison is interest in bringing the busted flush Kalvin Phillips, who has hardly played over the last few years to Goodison Park on loan as well. Another Leeds United no mark the “genius” “Six Million Dollar Kev” is targeting. What did Manchest city see in him? He is a go to fotr chosing the wrong career path I suppose. and excellent at impersonating donny Van de Beek on loan! If these two deals actually materialise, (hope not), it will be just two wasted loan signings. Both domestic loans available to the blues gone up in a beam of alien light. Of course the podcaster world comes out with their usual “he would be a shrewd signing” comments, when Phillips name cropped up. And bringing back Jack Harrison,, well that’s a no brainer for them! The “Dyche/Thelwell speak” Liverpool Echo sings the praises of another “masterstroke” from the DoF when it comes to Kalvin Phillips. “Another gamble worth taking.” “Yeah, believe it at your peril.”
The Liverpool Echo would call Preston Pig a good signing if Thelwell brought him in on loan. “In fact he might be a better options than many of the options the DoF thinks might be good signings”!.
Mr Wolf tries really hard
But ends up hoping mad
Because Mr Wolf is not so good
At being really bad
So Preston gets to play his favourite game
Ooh, Ahh, Preston Pig
Preston Pig: Theme Song
The Thelwell / Dyche master plan, in its second year is starting to develop even further. Spreading its one dimensional gospel of “truth” throughout every nook and cranny of Finch Farm. I mean one of the DoF’s “four sand pillars of truth” is “Way we play.” Aiming to have the way the blues play running through the whole academy system. Dycheball at its finest running throughout every age group.
Is this really the shiny vision the out of his depth DoF wants to bring to the club? Not a nice thought. But the “reincarnation of Oscar Goldman” and the “self proclaimed messiah” are well on the way with their masteplan. Turning Everton into the Burnley / Leeds United “bionic football team”. Rebuilt in the image of the “one dimensional bleep test master” Sweat on the shirt. hard work and well, “oops nothing more to add here.” Thelwell and Dyche could not have a creative football thought in their minds if they tried. Entering the closet of football creativity is just to scary for them.
“The one dimensional duo are so lacking in imagination, if they entered the wardrobe they would even fail to find Narnia!”
“Creativity I cast you out, you demon!!”
Sand Pillar Kev has morphed into “Oscar Goldman.” Looking for a pile of hard working average players, for the “mastermind” Sean Dyche to rebuild into a bunch of hardworking, “We have the bleep test technology, Steve Austins.” Maybe Thelwell could even build one of those machines Boris Karlov built so he and Catherine Lacey could control Ian Ogvily’s mind. (No cheating its an easy film to guess ).
“The bleep test master controlling eleven cyborgs on the pitch through his mind. Now thats a hell of a scary thought.”
There end goal might be to go full Yul Brynner. (Thats another easy film to guess). “If they did and Yul went out of control and bumped the two of them off. well I’ll take it.”
Is this really the best the sand pillar cyborg creator can come up with. Shopping for dresses,
But I’m shopping for dresses with no one to wear them
One in each colour and one in each style
Maybe someday if I’m lucky I’ll find someone to wear them
And my shopping will be done for a while
Steve Young: Shopping For Dresses (Songwriter Merle Haggard)
but always in the second hand store.
Everton Football Club is a mess, and has been for the eight years of the poisonous frog’s reign. That is beyond a shadow of doubt. It is this mess that the Dyche / Thelwell love train crew, the podcasters and the ever compliant Liverpool Echo use as their excuse for the thrift shop duo.
Everyone knows the financial constraits the club has had to deal with ever since Moshiri’s mad spending caught up with the toffees. But a DoF has to find hidden cheap gems. It’s part of the job, “Six Million dollar Kev,” finding cheap bargins or players with potential, not bang average seond hand goods. Sadly Kev “Oscar Goldman” Thelwell is incapable of such a feat. He is just , not very good DoF. So it will be bang average abductees yet again next season. Lets hope whoever they turn out to be, they can pull us through.
End of part two. The final part of this trilogy will follow soon, but here is a taster. Will the world’s best looking alien hunters have their day.
TOFFEE FOR TEA 
Excellent ad usual I used to get my best ideas lying in bed before I slept If I didn’t get up and write them down I’d forget them With your articles you must never sleep if you get similar thoughts at bedtime
LikeLike
Very true
LikeLike