Part Three: Aliens
I, I just took a ride in a silver machine
And I’m still feeling mean
Do you want to ride
See yourself going by
The other side of the sky
I’ve got a silver machine
Hawkwind: Silver Machine: (Songwriters: David Anthony Brock / Robert Newton Calvert)
The rag tag army of students, many who were still bleary eyed from a couple of hours to long in the student union bar the night before, dragged themselves into the lecture room. Headphones were the standard piece of this army’s attire, along with a few woolly hats. A number of tee shirts on show, bands and singers, one was even Taylor Swift (sorry Halsey!). Of course, there were the odd one or two, no headphones, immaculately dressed with perfect teeth and conservative student union smiles. The screech of chairs ripped through the room like the sound of Janet Leigh meeting her showery fate, as the less than inspired motley crew took their seats. Commotion for at least a couple of minutes before silence slowly descended
The professor wearing his usual white shirt, absurdly with the top two buttons brazenly undone, and what he considered his cool leather jacket and jeans combo stood staring at his audience and thinking to himself, “I must get a pair of Doc Martins.”.
“I hope you are all listening to a repeat of last week’s lecture on your headphones. But if you
could please remove them and turn your mobiles off, that would be just splendid.”
A few giggles and smiles. Another few minutes’ tick by as the throng carries out the professor’s request. It was like a Rubik’s cube puzzle had been put into each student’s hand the length of time it took for the professors request to compute in their minds. Finally, headphones put on desks, headphones wrapped round necks, headphones put in rucksacks. Each student seemingly struggling to put away their “life blood to the real world.” Eventually this 10.30 start vignette ends. The mostly zombified audience is finally settled down around the 10.38 mark.
“Well, I can see you are all rearing to go this morning,” says the professor.
A few more slight laughs.
Door opens, “ah yes thinks the professor, the usual latecomers.” More screeches and rustles. 10.41 the lecture begins.
The professor speaks:
“You all will be glad to know I have ditched todays planned lecture on Wittgenstein. Instead, I thought we could have an open debate, or discussion on the meaning of existence. You all must know the sort of thing I am talking about, What came first the chicken or the egg? How did we all get here? Are there parallel universes? Is there a multiverse? Do any of you know the band Hawkwind? Why does Mo Salah trip over an invisible trip wire every time he enters an oppositions box? Was the universe created out of nothing, by what is known as the big bang ? If so, how can nothing suddenly develop into matter? Is there a God? Who created God? How did God come into existence? Where did the false God’s Dyche and Thelwell come from? And of course, is there extraterrestrial life? Are we alone? Or are there other beings on other planets? Beings on a higher plain, more gifted and intelligent than earthlings? Can Kevin Thelwell ever spot such a football playing higher being?”
The beautiful duo, Jihyo and Bora, have a greater chance of finding extraterrestrial life out in the universe than the new “Oscar Goldman” Kevin Thelwell, will ever have of finding any good football playing prospects. As noted in part two, the Everton Director of Football (DoF) is an acolyte of the one-dimensional bleep test king. He is all about finding hard-working cyborgs, were possible recruited from teams in England with Premier League experience for the “one dimensional overlord.” sing that “Deep Mine Blue”s to the “bleep test.”
You go to work
When the whistle blows
And your singing the deep mine blues
Larry Cordel and Lonsome Standard Time (Deep Mine Blues)
I am at present reading the book “Our Daily Bread (From Argos to the Altar – A Priests Story)” by Father Alex Frost. It was recommended by a twitter friend and is quite a good read. The point here is that Father Frost serves in the town of Burnley and is a supporter of Burnley football club. In the book he describes the ex Burnley manager and present incumbent at Goodison Park as having,
“A straight talking approach to work,” which “us Burnley folk could relate to.
“He had the approach which so many have around here, if you don’t like it tough shit.”
(Our Daily Bread, Page 29, Harper North 2023 edition).
The above sums up Sean Dyche perfectly.
“Get out there and get sweat on your shirt lad. None of that passing lark.”
“Boot it to that DCL guy will you Tarky.”
The one dimensional king laughingly calls this “footballing masterplan” not long ball football but “direct football.” “Yeah if you say so Sean.” The Dche / Thelwell love train mob, the podcasters and of course the Dyche / Thelwell love gang at the Liverpool Echo fall for this nonsense hook line and sinker. As I pointed out in “Cautionary Tale,” this backward football worked last season because the Premier League was the weakest it had ever been. It may work once or twice, but that is as far this “creativity blackhole will ever take the blues.”
bagfulloftoffees737918539.wordpress.com/2024/05/26/cautionary-tale/
The gorgeous alien hunting duo actually thought of capturing a UFO and lending it to sand pillar Kev and one-dimensional Sean, in the hope that they might actually use it to abduct some promising football prospects. But they thought better of it. All the two clowns would do is instantly make the populations of Burnley and Leeds disappear.
When you think of some of the bang average, to really bad players the out of his depth DoF has brought to Goodison Park, either on loan or permanently it is quite staggering. Neal Maupay, car crash Coady, Ruben (was he ever here) Vinagre, Jack “bang average” Harrison, Ashley “new contract offer!! for god’s sake!!) Young, the joke of a footballer known as Danjuma and the barn door known as Beto. Appalling. Many of these I did warn people about.
bagfulloftoffees737918539.wordpress.com/2023/09/08/the-house-kev-and-sean-built/
As pointed out on numerous occasions, it is the job of a DoF to look beyond these shores for emerging talent. Sadly, Europe is about as far as sand pillar Thelwell’s thinking goes, and probably only about as far as Northern Europe! This outlook has been the recruiting team structure at Everton Football Club for many, many years. I wrote an article specifically on this subject some time ago.
https://bagfulloftoffees737918539.wordpress.com/2022/12/19/find-the-source/
The Thelwell apologists of course come out with their “shrewd business” comments about the “sand pillar one.” Whatever average player “Oscar Goldman” Thelwell brings in they will say “shrewd business!”. They sing about how he is changing the academy and the scouting system. “Kev Thelwell has magic going on,” and they are all on his love train for the ride. When the inevitable crash happens these apologists, if they have not seen sense and disembarked Thelwell’s “love train to nowhere.,” will find they have “no more trains to ride.”
No, no more trains to ride
No more trains to ride
I’d like to live like Daddy did
But there’s no more trains to ride
Merle Haggard: No More Trains to Ride
The love train crew and podcasters can speak such nonsense about sand pillar Kev as much as they like. Many actually believe it. The evidence points in the opposite direction. Do Thelwell and the recruiting team actually know where South America, Asia, and Africa are? Do they think that Burnley and Leeds are across the other side of the world?
I will bang on until I’m blue in the face on this point. Kevin Thelwell worked at New York Red Bulls. He really should be ahead of the curve when it comes to the South American and North America markets. Ahead of the curve? He is so far behind the curve he cannot be seen on any radar.
Kevin Thelwell has been in post as DoF for nearly two and a half years, not two and a half months. The scouting and recruiting system in that two and a half years has not improved one iota. Jesus, this DoF is still talking about his four “sand pillars” nearly two and a half years into the job.
“How we play.”
“One dimensional dychball is it not Kev.”
“Is this not the footballing system you want to run through the whole club. “
“If not, why do we have a manager such as Sean Dyche?”
There are bargains to be had out in the big wide football world, but finding them requires good scouting and a competent DoF. Something the toffees do not have. With a manager who wants nothing more than hard working robots, in their late twenties, early thirties if possible, with Premier League experience, any hope of bringing in exciting prospects is practically non existent.
Consider this little gem about the “genuis” Kevin Thelwell from the Liverpool Echo Everton reporter Joe Thomas on the Royal Blue Podcast of 14 June. He stated that Thelwell said one of the biggest things he had learnt over the sale of Anthony Gordon was that, “It is important to set a deadline for any big sale, so as to give time to find a replacement.” Absolutley staggering. This from a man who is supposed to be an experienced operator. This is the man the love train, podcasters and Echo think is some sort of “football mastermind.” My god that statement beggars believe. “Have you only just started working in football Kev. “
To combat this depressing state of affairs the beautiful alien hunting duo decided I should do another one of my quick extraterrestrial player sscouting updates. Players I have watched, to help out our bionic building DoF. Set out the sort of targets he should be looking for. A set of targets for the DoF to put on his outdated radar.
“This is control tower to Flight 1878 over.
“This is flight 1878 control tower over”
“Flight 1878 we have picked up an unexplained object on the radar in your air space and altitude. It is not from Burnley or Leeds. From its speed we estimate it is under thirty years old. Please descend one thousand feet while we investigate.”
So, it was with my updated Project Blue Book in hand, well in Bora’s bag, she constantly has it on her shoulders during most of Glitch, Jihyo, Bora and lucky me set off for the toffees own Area 51 at midnight.
“Project Blue Book Finch Farm Area 51 Infiltration was about to go into operational mode.”
You may wonder how we managed to sneak into Area 51 Finch Farm as the “Chimes at Midnight” struck. Well Jihyo and Bora having experience in such things. The large front gates were no problem to overcome.
Once inside the grounds of Area 51 we found our next obstacle, the main building. No swab key for entry. On a whimsical thought I took out my season ticket card which I had on me and tried it. “Bingo.” As soon as we entered the main building the alarm system kicked in. “Z Cars blasting out! I quickly hurried to the wall where the alarm system was set. Another guess, I punched in the code 1878. “Bingo” again. Alarm stops.
“Jesus which security expert thought this up” I exclaimed, “Par for the course on Planet Everton.”
The three of us had a quick giggle before hiding behind the reception front desk for a couple of minutes, bathed in the strange low ginger lighting the building was covered in. No police, no security guards appeared. The alarm had been cut off in time. We gave out three quick sighs of relief, we had infiltrated Area 51.
With the realisation of our feat having been acomplished, we set off down a corridor looking for sand pillar Kev’s office. On the way I took down from the corridor wall and smashed to pieces the photo of clueless Frank after the Crystal Palace win. For God’s sake celebrating a skin of our teeth escape.
As we passed the multi faith prayer room, being an inquisitive trio, we decided to take a quick peep. No pray mats, no cross, no Buddah’s. Just two golden busts of Oscar Goldman Kev and One dimensional Sean, plus ever so quietly the music of the Blue Grass Cardinals filling the room.
Wait just a little longer, I need some time
Make me just a little stronger, so I can climb
It’s a long way up from the very bottom
To heaven’s dome
And lord, I’m only halfway home
Lord, don’t give up on me
I’ll be right some day
Lord, don’t tune me out, don’t go away
I’m just a wandering pilgrim, all alone
Lord, I’m only halfway home
Lord, I’m only halfway home
The Bluegrass Cardinals: Lord Don’t Give Up On Me (Songwriter Merle Haggard)
Shaken by this awful image, this vile desecration I screamed” “no no, no” before my mouth was covered by two different pairs of lovely hands. My companions dragged me from that monstrous sight.
We moved on with me staggering for a few moments. Things got no better!
A massive gym with sayings plastered on the wall, “The bleep test is the way to glory,” “Trust in the Dyche,” and “I can turn water into sweat.”
We entered a medical department with robotic arms, robotic legs, all sorts of robotic limbs lying around ready for any new recruit to undertake their full cyborgificastion. Suddenly we noticed a shadow, someone was standing watching us under the faint glow of the ginger lighting. The figure did not move. I stood in the middle of Bora and Jihyo. We all held hands and slowly we walked up to the figure. Had we been caught? Was a night in the cells awaiting us? Or worse? Still the figure did not move. Getting ever closer to the figure I gave out a screech when I realised who / what it was. Ashley Barnes! A life size statue of Ashley Barnes stood at one end of the room.
The Dyche / Thelwell masterplan now became clear in my mind. They were aiming to go full West World or to be exact Toffee World. A cyborg team of eleven Ashley Barnes! The one dimensional man’s dream. His football heaven.”
I picked up a chair and smashed it into the face of this abomination again and again until the lovely duo finally got me to calm down. Jihyo handed me a cup of water from the water cooler in the corner which I gulped down.
Once recovered from my rage we moved on and quickly discovered our destination. A door with an ostentatious golden plaque which read Kevin “Oscar Goldman” Thelwell, Director of Football. The door was unlocked.
“Dear me Kev security not your thing. But with the crap you come out with, I suppose you have nothing to hide!”
We opened the door and entered a strange space. A picture of the DoF hung on the wall above his desk. Bit narcissistic I thought. A pile of zipped cardigans were hung up in a wardrobe. Four silver models of sand pillars adorned a large wooden desk. Also on the desk was a copy of the Gavin Buckland Book, Boys from the Blue Stuff. The companion piece to Money Can’t Buy You Love. (If you have not read them, time you did). It was opened at chapter four “Malfunctioning Robots”. The DoF had written notes in the side of the book. Latchford, Dobson equals Harrison / Kalvin Phillips. A shiver went through my spine. We all took one more look around this strange office environment and then left, leaving the Project Blue Book on the DoF’s desk. Yes Kev Mate Iv’e got something to say. If you read it, they might just enter your dreams.
Dreams, Dreams, I dreamed of you
Lord it makes me sad at times
I’m always glad to find
You were in my dreams again last night
Gal Holiday: In My Dreams Again
A set of alien players who probably would never cross sand pillar Kev’s mind, left for his discovery. If he reads through it, nothing will change. No extraterestrial half decent footballers allowed in Finch Farm. Just hard working, sweat on the shirt types. But at least we had played out part. We had tried. We had left the golden key. Sadly the DoF is incapable of turning it. He is incapable of opening the door to the wide football world.
Please feel free to scroll down through the Project Blue Book list of players and continue, if you are a love train acolyte who has no interest in actual footballer players of value. I have kept the list to a shortened version, as this article is getting a bit long. All the players I have watched play on numerous occasions. Yes, dear reader there is a world beyond the Premier League. So, Mr Sand Pillar try these, a little wish list from me.
PROJECT BLUE BOOK / FOR “SAND PILLAR” KEVIN THELWELL’S EYES ONLY
Goalkeepers
Altay Bayindir (Manchester United: Age 26)
I have long been an advocate of Bayindir. Saw a lot of him playing for Fenerbahçe. He is an excellent goalkeeper who certainly made the wrong career move when choosing to go to Old Trafford. He is much too good a keeper to be wasting his time as a number two. If Pickford ever leaves he would be a good replacement.
Bento (Athletico Paranaense: Age 25)
The best goalkeeper in the Brasileiro in my opinion. Always plays well when I have watched him. Part of the Brazil Copa America squad. Ready for the move to Europe.
Full Backs
Sacha Boey: (Bayern Munich: Age 23: Right Back)
Excellent right back who is also good going forward. Mainstay for Galatasaray before his January move to Bayern Munich., Would be a great signing in an area that needs strengthening. It would depend on if Vincent Kompany rates him, he never got a look in under Thomas Tuchel. Bayern would also want to get as much back as they splashed out on him. But if he is still out of favour under Kompany a loan might be an option.
Ferdi Kadıoğlu (Fenerbahçe: Age 24: Fullback / Wingback / Winger)
Kadıoğlu can play on either side of the defence, usually on the left. He can also operate in midfield or as an out and out winger. More a Wing back, he has cemented his place on the left side of the Turkish national team. One of the best left backs around. I rate him extremely highly. On another level to Mykolenko.
Yukinari Sugawara (AZ Alkmaar: Age 23 / Right Back)
Sugawara is one of the most underrated right backs. I have watched him closely over the last two seasons. An excellent full back who also gets forward well. Has broken into the Japanese national team. Would be on the cheapish side. A no brainer. Would solve the right back problem instantly.
Centre Backs
Jorrel Hato (Ajax: Age 18: Centre Back or Left Back)
There are certain players which you see and instantly know they are a talent. Hato is one. For just seventeen his positioning, defending and leadership is outstanding. Watched him loads last season for a struggling Ajax. . Needs picking up now, no waiting, before the so called big clubs come calling. Thelwell really should have him on his radar. One outstanding prospect.
Strahinja Pavlovic (Red Bull Salzburg: Age 23: Centre Back or Left Back)
Pavlović is a mainstay of the Serbian national team and the Salzburg defence. Can also play as a left back, which he has done for both Serbia and Salzburg. Good defender and no shrinking violet.
Defensive Midfield
Andre (Fluminense: Age 22: Defensive Midfielder)
Andre is a fantastic defensive midfielder and the lynch pin for Fluminense. Sets the team on the move from a deep midfield position and has a good passing range. I have been on about André for over a year. As much as I love Idrissa, and glad he is staying at the blues for another year, Andre is on a higher level altogether.
Midfield
Carlos Alcaraz (Southampton: Age 21)
Southampton did great business by signing Alcaraz from Racing Club for around £12million. Dynamic midfielder who can score goals. Fell out of favour at the Saints and spent the second half of last season on loan at Juventus. Bit of a maverick, and hot head so may not be to Dyche’s liking, but would be a wonderful catch.
Adalberto (Coco) Carrasquilla (Houston Dynamo: Age 25: Midfield)
Carrasquilla is the heartbeat of the Panamanian national team. His range of passing is exquisite. Would he be up to the pace of the Premier League, may need a bit of an adjustment but he would adapt. No one at Goodison can make a pass as good as Carrasquilla. His range of passing and killer balls is of the highest order
Nicholas De La Cruz (Flamengo: Age 27: Midfield)
I weep every time I think that Flamengo met the £15 million buyout clause for the River Plate machine. He may now spend his whole career in South America, never to grace Europe, or in my dreams the Goodison Park / Bramley Moore Dock pitch. But I would kill to bring him in. Such a wonderful player who will star for the very dangerous Uruguay team in the Copa America.
Ezequiel Fernandez (Boca Juniors: Age 21)
Remember Alan Varela who I was banging on about and FC Porto picked up for just 8 million euros plus £3 million in add ons. Varela is likely to move on this summer for what, 40 to 60 million. Fernandez was seen as Varela’s replacement. But he is so much more than a defensive midfielder. Can be a number eight and even a ten. Got goals in him and would still be cheap. If you have not watched him yet, time you did. Porto are already sniffing around him.
Oscar Glouckh (Red Bull Salzburg: Age 20 Midfield)
Stood out in the 2023 European Under 21’s finals last summer, when he came to my attention. Watched him a few times last season. He is a creative attacking midfielder. Another one for Thelwell to keep tabs on. But creative and Dyche don’t compute!
Franco Mastantuono: (River Plate: Age 16)
Seen all his appearances either starting or off the bench for River. Yes, he is just sixteen. Heading for the top. Outstanding talent. His price is rising and rising. Really should offer whatever we can to do a deal for him, so he turns up at Goodison when he turns eighteen. But hell Thelwell thinking along that sort of line is as preposterous as the toffees winning the Premier League next season. His name has probably never entered Sand Pillar Kev’s head!! Real Madrid are getting ready to pounce.
Matt O’Riely (Celtic: Age 23)
Celtic got O ’Riely for a snip at just 1.8 million from MK Dons when they signed him two seasons ago. I don’t know if they expected him to blossom as much as he has. All round midfielder, defensive, central, attacking, O’Riely can fill all positions and is ready for the step up to the Premier League. Celtic’s stand out player last season. Put it this way. Streets ahead of James Garner.
Federico Rodondo (Age 21: Inter Miami)
Product of the Argentinos Juniors wonderful production line. Rodondo is a defensive playmaking midfielder. Inter Miami snapped him up. He is good enough already to move to Europe. Now would be the time to make a move for him, as in a year or so he will be moving for money well out of the toffees range.
Quinten Timber (Feyenoord: Age 22)
Timber was the partner in crime with Orkun Kökçü in the wonderful Feyenoord team which won the Eredivisie in 2022-2023. Last season he become the leader of the team after Kökçü moved to Benfica. A good all round midfielder with a goal in him. Would not surprise me if Satan’s mob make a move for him.
Wingers
Mohamed Amoura (Union Saint-Gilloise: Age 23)
Amoura moved to Union from Swizz side Lugano. He came to my attention last season and has been outstanding when I have watched him play. Tough player, can take knocks and can also play as a second striker.
Johan Bakayoko (PSV: Age 21)
I saw Bakayoko make his debut for PSV and have seen him numerous times since for both PSV and the Belgian national team. Wonderful talent. Probably out of the blues price range now. I said as soon as I saw him, he was one to track.
Wesley (Corinthians: Age 19)
Dynamic young winger and the jewel in a badly struggling Corinthians team. Mainly operates on the left but can switch wings. Time to get him is now before the big fish come calling.
Strikers
Brian Brobbey (Ajax: Age 22)
Seen a lot of Brobbey. Always wavered on him, but last season he won me over. Big, strong and finally learning how to use that strength. He became more consistent in front of goal last season. The real leader and talisman for an awful Ajax team last term.
Kevin Denkey (Cercle Brugge: Age 23)
The player who the blues really should have gone for instead of the ineffectual Beto. (I said Beto was a ridiculous signing). Denkey is strong, athletic and unlike Beto actually finds the net. Plays for a team which likes to counter attack and has less possession in most games. Ideal for the one dimensional man’s system.
John Kennedy (Fluminense: Age22:)
Dynamic, mercurial and a great finisher. That is John Kennedy. Wonderful talent, but is a bit of a party boy. Needs to get this out of his system. That is the only reason he is not already playing in Europe. Marcus Leonardo went to Benfica for18 million euros. The deals that can be done in South America. Everton could get Kennedy for less.
Semih Kılıçsoy (Besiktas: Age 18:)
Watched quite a bit of Kılıçsoy last season. He is heading for the big time for in club football and internationally for Türkiye. Strong, quick and with a great eye for goal. Can also play out wide. Reminds me of Victor Boniface. I would be all over him now. Wonderful talent with great potential.
This is the short list “sand pillar” Kev. There are more if you interested. The Blue Book author
____________________________________________
If Kevin Thelwell actually dropped his cyborg building and looked at the list of alien footballers brought to his attention in the Blue Book, it would still all depend on how much the blues have in the “well run dry” transfer kitty this summer. Sadly that kitty will not be exactly overflowing.
Off-loading Maupay, Holgate and Godfrey if possible would bring in some funds. Dumping the failed Beto would also bring in around £10-15 million with luck. The club certainly would no get back what they wasted, and still have to pay for him. Amadou Onana will proabably be sold but how much of his price will go towards meeting Profit and Sustainability rules is unclear. No new owner, be it Dan Friedkin or anyone else will be able to help out on the transfer front, even if the whole ownership embroglio is sorted before the close of the summer window.
The other club gem Jarrad Branthwaite may go, which if the club handles it right will be for £70 million plus. But I really hope he stays. The defence will be a disater area without him. I don’t trust Thelwell one bit to find any sort of adequate replacenent
With such a gloomy scenario it is imperative, as noted above, that the scouting system at the club gets a total rehaul. Something way beyond the capabilities of Kevin Thelwell. He has had nearly two and a half years to do this and has failed totally.
Players in the Blue Book left on the “sand pillars” desk are all in the, my guess, £15-25 million range. Proabably out of the blues zone this summer. But with new ownership on the horizon, maybe, just maybe, these are the sort of players the club will start chasing in the future.
I will keep saying this, the club is going nowhere under Dyche and Thelwell. Another year of lower mid table at best awaits. Maybe that will do for next season. But going into Bramley Moore Dock, sand pillars Kev and one dimensional Sean really should not be an option. Any new owner will need to remove these two. Be it Dan Friedkin, “do you know Father Karas by any chance Dan,” or any other owner. No new contract, should be handed out to the one dimensional bleep test King. As for “Oscar Goldman” Thelwell, I would sack him yesterday.
But I will leave the love train crew, the podcasters and the Dyche/Thelwell Speak Liverpool Echo to sing the praises of their two “gods.” None of them believe in extraterrestrial footballing life anyway. Leave them with their “messiahs,” who will lead the blues nowhere, except hopefully at least, to safety next season. But I would not bet on it.
I can guarantee one thing . We are at least halfway through the Dyche / Thelwell nightmare. Both will be gone when it’s time to play the last video. Their names won’t be on the roll call. They can try and make their “long ball cyborg perfect dream.” come to fruition. But as Chip sings,
“Screw all the perfect people, Jesus said that long ago”
I just hope the blues are still a Premier League club when the Thelwell / Dyche “perfect cyborg dream” crashes and the last video is played.
Will you be there in the last video?
Will your name be on the roll call at the end, my friend?
Where the angels, and the gamblers, and the prisoners come and go?
Will you be there in the last video?
Chip Taylor and the New Ukrainians: The Last Video
The Professor finished the lecture and hoped some of it had at least entered the minds of his audience, who quickly donned headphones again and left heading straight to the student union café.
I have had a wonderful time with the two best looking alien hunters in the world during the three chapters of this trilogy. So, it’s only right I should give the last word to the gorgeous duo for giving me such an adventure, and of course bringing such a wonderful comedic, sci fi, love story to the screen. It is obvious from episode two they are in love with each other. Spoiler alert! The questin is popped in the final epsisode.
“Right, I’m off to watch Glitch again.”
TOFFEE FOR TEA 